Joke time....
- Thread starter Birddogyz
- Start date
You shake it all about!
Floorist
The Almighty
1. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's.
2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
3. I live in my own little world but it's OK; everyone knows me here.
4. I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it.
I said, "Thyroid problem?"
5. I don't do drugs 'cause I find I get the same effect just by
standing up really fast.
6. A sign In a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."
7. Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
8. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the "terminal"?
10. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
11. The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
12. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If life deals you
tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.
13. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special
person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
14. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.
15. I am a nobody; nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect.
16. Every day I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
17. That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius because I told a friend my plan to attain world peace, and he told me I have "Schiffer Brains."
18. No one ever says, "It's only a game!" when their team is winning.
19. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
20. How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
21. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a
peeing section in a swimming pool?
22. Marriage changes passion .. . . suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
23. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
24. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
25. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words:
Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!
26. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
3. I live in my own little world but it's OK; everyone knows me here.
4. I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it.
I said, "Thyroid problem?"
5. I don't do drugs 'cause I find I get the same effect just by
standing up really fast.
6. A sign In a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."
7. Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
8. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the "terminal"?
10. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
11. The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
12. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If life deals you
tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.
13. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special
person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
14. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.
15. I am a nobody; nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect.
16. Every day I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
17. That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius because I told a friend my plan to attain world peace, and he told me I have "Schiffer Brains."
18. No one ever says, "It's only a game!" when their team is winning.
19. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
20. How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
21. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a
peeing section in a swimming pool?
22. Marriage changes passion .. . . suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
23. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
24. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
25. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words:
Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!
26. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
....
Floorist
The Almighty
Floorist
The Almighty
oldognewtrick
In memory of
Floorist
The Almighty
Floorist
The Almighty
oldognewtrick
In memory of
Floorist
The Almighty
oldognewtrick
In memory of
Floorist
The Almighty
Floorist
The Almighty
oldognewtrick
In memory of
Paranoid much?
Those air vents?
Floorist
The Almighty
If God wanted us to vote, he would have given
us candidates.
*~Jay Leno~
*The problem with political jokes is they get elected.
*~Henry Cate, VII~
*We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
*~Aesop~
*If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union Speeches, there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven.
* ~Will Rogers~
*When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it.
*~Clarence Darrow~
*Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, they go out and buy some more tunnel.
*~John Quinton~
*Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.</ p>
*~Oscar Ameringer~
*I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them.
*~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952~
*A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his
country.
*~ Tex Guinan~
*I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be le ft to the politicians.
*~Charles de Gaulle~
*Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.
*~Doug Larson~
*There ought to be one day -- just one -- when there is open season on senators.
*~Will Rogers~
BUT - my favorite is from Harry Truman:
If you want a real friend - that you can trust in Washington - go buy a dog!
us candidates.
*~Jay Leno~
*The problem with political jokes is they get elected.
*~Henry Cate, VII~
*We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
*~Aesop~
*If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union Speeches, there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven.
* ~Will Rogers~
*When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it.
*~Clarence Darrow~
*Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, they go out and buy some more tunnel.
*~John Quinton~
*Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.</ p>
*~Oscar Ameringer~
*I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them.
*~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952~
*A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his
country.
*~ Tex Guinan~
*I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be le ft to the politicians.
*~Charles de Gaulle~
*Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.
*~Doug Larson~
*There ought to be one day -- just one -- when there is open season on senators.
*~Will Rogers~
BUT - my favorite is from Harry Truman:
If you want a real friend - that you can trust in Washington - go buy a dog!
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