Joke time....

oldognewtrick

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A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits the Middle East.
Two million Muslims die and over a million are injured. Iraq, Iran and Syria are totally ruined and the governments don't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.
The rest of the world is in shock..

Britain is sending troops to help keep the peace.
Saudi Arabia is sending oil & monetary assistance. Latin American countries are sending clothing. New Zealand and Australia are sending sheep, cattle and food crops.
The Asian countries are sending labor to assist in rebuilding the infrastructure. Canada is sending medical teams and supplies.

President Donald Trump, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Muslims
 

drake

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13312777_520063164846129_8992765664723912588_n.jpg
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havasu

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Beer is bad for men
Now, as if everything else wasn't bad enough, we find out that beer isn't good for us men?

Beer contains female hormones! Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!

Last month, Montreal University scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

( A ) The theory is that Beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

( B ) To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 large drafts of beer within a one (1) hour period.

( C ) It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:

1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally, and
8) Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary!!
 

Ravenworks

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havasu,you reminded me of the study about the menstrual cycle.

Scientist discovered, when women menstruate, they have less oxygen going to their brain because of the blood loss.
They are still working on the hypothesis that, if a women is a heavy bleeder she may become brain dead after the age of 30.
 

mustanggarage

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A man was being audited by the IRS for what appeared to be obvious tax evasion, so when he arrived at the auditors office with his lawyer the auditor was not surprised. The auditor addressed the man, saying" Sir after an extensive audit of your taxes over the last year, we have found that you have a very lavish lifestyle with no apparent source of income, can you explain this". The man responded, "well sir I get most of my money from gambling". "gambling?" the auditor replied. "So you expect me to believe you make enough gambling to support your lifestyle?" "Yes sir." "I am an excellent gambler and I can prove it if you would like." "By all means" replied the Auditor. The man says "I will bet you one thousand dollars I can bite my left eye. The auditor thinks about it for a bit but finally agrees to the bet. the man removes his glass eye and proceeds to bite it. The auditor groans, but agrees he was taken. the man then said ok I will bet you two thousand dollars I can bite my other eye. The auditor can tell the man is not blind but he suspects a trick so he clarifies. not another glass eye, but your right eye. The man agrees and removes his false teeth and bites his right eye. The auditor groans again and realizes he now owes this man three thousand dollars. The man then says, ok sir I will give you a chance to get your money back. I will bet you double or nothing that I can stand on this side of your desk and pee into that waste basket on the other side of your desk and not miss a drop. well the auditor is suspicious but the man is obviously elderly and there is just no way he can do this. but not to be taken in the auditor says, ok, but no tricks. no using a tube or catheter or anything like that just urinate. The man reluctantly agrees. so he stands on the side of the desk drops his pants and proceeds to urinate all over the auditors desk. though he strains mightily he does not get a single drop into the waste can. the auditor realizing that he has just got out from under a 3000 dollar loss and that he has apparently beaten this man at his own game shouts "yes!" and does a fist pump. At this the lawyer stands up and swears. The auditor laughs and says what is wrong with you? Was that supposed to be your fee? The lawyer replies "no, this a$$hole bet me twenty five thousand dollars this morning that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and you would be happy about it."
 

Ravenworks

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I stopped by my local Ford Dealership this morning to look for a new truck. I saw a nice F-350 crew cab loaded with all the options that I liked and asked to take it for a test drive.


The salesperson (a lady wearing a Hillary for President lapel pin) sat in the passenger seat next to me, describing the truck and all its options. She explained that the Electric Seats were connected to the ventilation system and could be set to direct cool air to your butt in the summer & warm air to your butt in the winter.

So I mentioned that this must be a "Trump truck". She looked at me a bit angry, and asked why I thought it was a Trump truck. I told her that if it were a Hillary truck, the seats would just blow smoke up my ass year round.

The two mile walk back to the dealership to pick up my truck was worth it.
 

BigAl

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A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name.”
“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".
 

Ravenworks

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When you're from the farm, your perception is a little bit different.
A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.
"No, they went to town."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No, he went with Mom and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy says, "I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably. "No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant".
The boy thought for a moment, then says, "You'll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard."
 
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