Joke time....

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Grape Ape said:
The first time they did that prank it was great they had a bunch of awesome responses of people running away. They had so much fun with it they went out and did it again. The guy got shot 3 times in the stomach by a person with a concealed carry permit.
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I can see that happening.
 
I saw a prank where a person drops a firework on the ground and then another person pops out around a corner in front of someone walking to the corner. The person acts as if someone is threatening to shoot them and they are pleading for their life. The firework goes off and the peroson begging acts as if they have been shot and are dying. The other person walks around the corner and the prabnked person runs. Well not always in one the person steps around the corner and the pranked person shot the second person involved in the prank.

I am waiting for one of the chainsaw or axe wielding clown pranksters to get shot. I know if I stepped into a parking garage and around the corner came onto a scene of a clown or group of clowns over a bloody corpse and the turn and head toward me. Yep they will all be laying next to their prop bleeding out. The video they are making of it will help very much in my self defense case when the cops show up.
 
bullshit.png
I'm not sending this to blast Hillary for giving a speech about inequality while wearing a $12,500 Armani jacket.

I'm posting this to give credit to Armani for being able to sell a potato sack with sleeves for $12,500, which, in this case, holds about 180 pounds of bullshit.
 
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This one will make you think a little. She may be correct.


Little girl on a plane.

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned
to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike
up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total
stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God,
or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.

"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask
you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns
out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,
thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which
the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss
God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know shit?"

And then she went back to reading her book...
 
A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave.

Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.

The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."

The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."

The man sets about his task.

After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks.

"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."

The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.

Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."

The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door!
With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound......But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
 
"When I joined the military it was illegal to be homosexual, then it became optional, and now it's legal. I'm getting out before the democrats make it mandatory."

Sgt Harry Berres, USMC
 
It seems that lately my life has been getting more complicated, and I want to thank those of you who are brave enough to still associate with me regardless of what I have become.....

The following is a recap of my current identity:

I was born a white male, which makes me a racist.

I am a fiscal and moral conservative, which makes me a fascist.

I am heterosexual, which makes me a homophobe.

I am non-union, which makes me a traitor to the working class and an ally of big business.

I am a Christian, which makes me an infidel.

I am older than 55, which makes me a useless old man.

I think and I reason; therefore I doubt much that the main stream media tells me, which makes me a reactionary.

I am proud of my heritage and our inclusive American culture, which makes me a xenophobe.

I value my safety and that of my family; therefore I appreciate the police and the legal system, which makes me a right-wing extremist.

I believe in hard work, fair play, and fair compensation according to each individual's merits, which makes me anti-socialist.

I acquired a good education without student loans and no debt at graduation, which makes me some kind of odd underachiever.

I believe in the defense and protection of the homeland by all citizens, which makes me a militarist.

Please help me come to terms with this, because I‘m not sure who I am anymore!

My newest problem – I'm not sure which bathroom I should use
 
oldognewtrick said:
It seems that lately my life has been getting more complicated, and I want to thank those of you who are brave enough to still associate with me regardless of what I have become.....

The following is a recap of my current identity:

I was born a white male, which makes me a racist.

I am a fiscal and moral conservative, which makes me a fascist.

I am heterosexual, which makes me a homophobe.

I am non-union, which makes me a traitor to the working class and an ally of big business.

I am a Christian, which makes me an infidel.

I am older than 55, which makes me a useless old man.

I think and I reason; therefore I doubt much that the main stream media tells me, which makes me a reactionary.

I am proud of my heritage and our inclusive American culture, which makes me a xenophobe.

I value my safety and that of my family; therefore I appreciate the police and the legal system, which makes me a right-wing extremist.

I believe in hard work, fair play, and fair compensation according to each individual's merits, which makes me anti-socialist.

I acquired a good education without student loans and no debt at graduation, which makes me some kind of odd underachiever.

I believe in the defense and protection of the homeland by all citizens, which makes me a militarist.

Please help me come to terms with this, because I‘m not sure who I am anymore!

My newest problem – I'm not sure which bathroom I should use
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Just about sums it up perfectly.
 
TEXT
MESSAGE

Hi Fred, This is Alan next door. I have a
confession to make.
I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and
have been trying to get the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling you in text as I can't live with myself a moment longer without you knowing.
The truth is I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you. I haven't been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse, I know. The temptation was just too much. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. It won't
happen again.
Please suggest a fee for usage, and I'll pay you.
Regards, Alan.

THE RESPONSE:

Fred, feeling insulted and betrayed, grabbed his gun, and
shot his neighbor dead. He returned home where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. He took out his phone where he saw he has a second message from his neighbor:

THE SECOND MESSAGE:

Hi Fred, This is Alan next door again. Sorry
about the typo on my last text.
I expect you figured it out anyway, and that you noticed
that darned Auto-Correct changed 'WiFi' to
'Wife.'

Technology, hey?
Regards, Alan.
 
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