Joke time....
- Thread starter Birddogyz
- Start date
oldognewtrick
In memory of
Now, this would make the perfect Christmas gift.
oldognewtrick
In memory of
Yes I do.
oldognewtrick
In memory of
'Cause
me... nothing
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oldognewtrick
In memory of
That's a lie. Sex on weekdays? on even or odd years?
Every time Jimmy went fishing he would catch his limit so the game warder got curious so Jimmy invited him out fishing. They rowed Jimmy's boat out to the middle of the lake and Jimmy lit a stick of dynamite and through it in the water. The game warden immediately went on a rant asking Jimmy if he knew how many federal and state laws he just broke so Jimmy then lit a stick of dynamite and handed it over to the game warden and asked him if he came out to talk or go fishing.....
That's the best I could remember. Heard it from a pastor.
That's the best I could remember. Heard it from a pastor.
Floorist
The Almighty
LOL!!!!
Man this is...!!!! LOL nobody deserves that. [emoji23][emoji23][emoji23][emoji23]
oldognewtrick
In memory of
Floorist
The Almighty
When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big boobs.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend with big boobs, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 35 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 40, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big boobs.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend with big boobs, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 35 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 40, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big boobs.
Floorist
The Almighty
Floorist
The Almighty
INSULTS
"You'll never be the man your mother is."
"Mirrors can't talk...and lucky for you they can't laugh, either."
"You love nature? Despite what it did to you?"
"I'd really like to help you out...which way did you come in?"
MILITARY HUMOR [gleaned from all over]
Allegedly found in a pre-civil-war US Army Officer's training manual: "Enlisted men are generally stupid, but are sly and cunning, and will bear considerable watching."
From junior officers' evaluation reports (both US and UK):
-- "He has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig."
-- "Intellectually, he has a full six-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it together."
-- "This young officer has delusions of adequacy."
-- "He has carried out each and every one of his assignments to his entire satisfaction."
-- "I would not breed from this officer."
-- "This young officer is depriving some village of an idiot."
-- [my personal favorite] "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
Instructions regarding weapons:
-- "Use tracer ammo sparingly, if at all -- remember, tracers work both ways."
-- [printed on a bazooka] "POINT THIS END AT ENEMY"
-- [hand-printed in large letters on a Claymore mine (also known as the "red vapor mist machine") with a 60-degree schrapnel arc] "Please, PLEASE point this side toward the enemy."
-- [from US Army's magazine of preventive maintenance] "A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
-- [from a USAF training manual "It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
-- [US Army infantry manual] "Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."
-- "Any ship can be a minesweeper...once."
-- "If you see a bomb technician running, follow him immediately".
-- "Five-second fuses only last three seconds."
-- "If the enemy is in range...so are you."
-- "When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."
"You'll never be the man your mother is."
"Mirrors can't talk...and lucky for you they can't laugh, either."
"You love nature? Despite what it did to you?"
"I'd really like to help you out...which way did you come in?"
MILITARY HUMOR [gleaned from all over]
Allegedly found in a pre-civil-war US Army Officer's training manual: "Enlisted men are generally stupid, but are sly and cunning, and will bear considerable watching."
From junior officers' evaluation reports (both US and UK):
-- "He has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig."
-- "Intellectually, he has a full six-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it together."
-- "This young officer has delusions of adequacy."
-- "He has carried out each and every one of his assignments to his entire satisfaction."
-- "I would not breed from this officer."
-- "This young officer is depriving some village of an idiot."
-- [my personal favorite] "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
Instructions regarding weapons:
-- "Use tracer ammo sparingly, if at all -- remember, tracers work both ways."
-- [printed on a bazooka] "POINT THIS END AT ENEMY"
-- [hand-printed in large letters on a Claymore mine (also known as the "red vapor mist machine") with a 60-degree schrapnel arc] "Please, PLEASE point this side toward the enemy."
-- [from US Army's magazine of preventive maintenance] "A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
-- [from a USAF training manual "It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
-- [US Army infantry manual] "Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."
-- "Any ship can be a minesweeper...once."
-- "If you see a bomb technician running, follow him immediately".
-- "Five-second fuses only last three seconds."
-- "If the enemy is in range...so are you."
-- "When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."
Floorist
The Almighty
oldognewtrick
In memory of
You got that right!
This isn’t a joke, it is the pure reality!!
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