Joke time....
- Thread starter Birddogyz
- Start date
Floorist
The Almighty
oldognewtrick
In memory of
I was talking to a friend’s little girl, and she said she wanted to be President some day.
Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, if you were to be the President, what is the first thing you would do?
She replied, I’d give food and houses to all the homeless people.
Wow - what a worthy goal.
I told her, you don’t have to wait until you’re President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow, pull weeds, sweep my sidewalks and driveway, and I’ll pay you $50.
Then I’ll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food or a new house.
She thought that over for a few seconds cause she’s only 6 and while her Mom glared at me, the little girl looked me straight in the eye and asked, why doesn’t the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?
And I said, welcome to the Republican Party.
Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, if you were to be the President, what is the first thing you would do?
She replied, I’d give food and houses to all the homeless people.
Wow - what a worthy goal.
I told her, you don’t have to wait until you’re President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow, pull weeds, sweep my sidewalks and driveway, and I’ll pay you $50.
Then I’ll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food or a new house.
She thought that over for a few seconds cause she’s only 6 and while her Mom glared at me, the little girl looked me straight in the eye and asked, why doesn’t the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?
And I said, welcome to the Republican Party.
oldognewtrick
In memory of
I watched this for 25 minutes, I think I was hypnotized...
Floorist
The Almighty
First-year students at the Purdue Vet School were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor.
The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal's body." For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth.
"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said,
"The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid."
The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor.
The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal's body." For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth.
"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said,
"The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid."
oldognewtrick
In memory of
Floorist
The Almighty
Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different!
The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant again."
Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me."
The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant again."
Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me."
oldognewtrick
In memory of
NOW THE SCAM
Over the last month I have become a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.
Simply dropping into Walmart for a bit of shopping turned out to be quite an experience.
Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends. Here's how the scam works.
Two very good-looking 20-21 year-old girls of eastern European origin come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk.
They both start cleaning your windscreen, their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T- shirts.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead they ask you for a lift to another supermarket, in my case, Walmart.
You agree and they both get in the back seat.
On the way there, they start undressing, until they are both completely naked.
Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you intimately and thrusting herself against you, while the other one steals your wallet!
I had my wallet stolen on January 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th and 29th. Also on March 1st, 4th, 6th, 9th and 10th and twice yesterday.
So please warn all the older guys you know to be on the lookout for this scam.
The best times seem to be just before lunch and about 4:30 in the afternoon.
P.S. Walmart has cheap wallets on sale for $3.99 each but other wallets are $3.75 ,look better and come in packs of twelve!
Over the last month I have become a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.
Simply dropping into Walmart for a bit of shopping turned out to be quite an experience.
Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends. Here's how the scam works.
Two very good-looking 20-21 year-old girls of eastern European origin come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk.
They both start cleaning your windscreen, their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T- shirts.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead they ask you for a lift to another supermarket, in my case, Walmart.
You agree and they both get in the back seat.
On the way there, they start undressing, until they are both completely naked.
Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you intimately and thrusting herself against you, while the other one steals your wallet!
I had my wallet stolen on January 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th and 29th. Also on March 1st, 4th, 6th, 9th and 10th and twice yesterday.
So please warn all the older guys you know to be on the lookout for this scam.
The best times seem to be just before lunch and about 4:30 in the afternoon.
P.S. Walmart has cheap wallets on sale for $3.99 each but other wallets are $3.75 ,look better and come in packs of twelve!
oldognewtrick
In memory of
Floorist
The Almighty
It was deer season and an avid hunter finally gave in took his wife hunting. Early in the morning, after much instruction, he put her in a deer-stand. He was almost at his stand over a couple hills when two quick shots turned him around.
He quickly headed toward her stand and as he got close he heard angy voices. One was saying, "All right lady. It's YOUR deer! It's YOUR deer! Can I please get the saddle and bridle off him?"
He quickly headed toward her stand and as he got close he heard angy voices. One was saying, "All right lady. It's YOUR deer! It's YOUR deer! Can I please get the saddle and bridle off him?"
Floorist
The Almighty
Wife: Do you want dinner?
Husband: Sure, what are my choices?
Wife: Yes and no.
Husband: Sure, what are my choices?
Wife: Yes and no.
Floorist
The Almighty
Floorist
The Almighty
oldognewtrick
In memory of
Floorist
The Almighty
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