Joke time....
- Thread starter Birddogyz
- Start date
Floorist
The Almighty
oldognewtrick
In memory of
Southern policemen have a way with words!
These are supposedly actual comments made by South Carolina Troopers that were taken off their car videos.
"You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."
"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
"If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
"Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
"You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
"Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
"Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs."
"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
"In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National Crime Information Center )
"Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"
"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
"I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
AND THE WINNER IS....
"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."
These are supposedly actual comments made by South Carolina Troopers that were taken off their car videos.
"You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."
"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
"If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
"Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
"You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
"Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
"Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs."
"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
"In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National Crime Information Center )
"Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"
"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
"I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
AND THE WINNER IS....
"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."
Floorist
The Almighty
Floorist
The Almighty
Floorist
The Almighty
President Biden visits a remote Native American reservation. With news crews following him around as they tour the place, the President asks the chief if there is anything they need.
"Well," says the chief, "We have three very important needs.
First, we have a medical clinic, but no doctor to man it.” Biden whips out his cellphone, dials a number, talks to somebody for two minutes, and then hangs up. "I've pulled some strings. Your doctor will arrive in a few days."
"Now what was the second problem?" "We have no way to get clean water. The local mining operation has poisoned the water our people have been drinking for thousands of years. We've been flying bottled water in, and it's terribly expensive." Once again, Biden dials a number, yells into the phone for a few minutes, and then hangs up. "The mine has been shut down, and the owner is being billed for setting up a purification plant for your people."
"Now what was that third problem?" The chief looks at him and says, "We have no cellphone reception up here!"
"Well," says the chief, "We have three very important needs.
First, we have a medical clinic, but no doctor to man it.” Biden whips out his cellphone, dials a number, talks to somebody for two minutes, and then hangs up. "I've pulled some strings. Your doctor will arrive in a few days."
"Now what was the second problem?" "We have no way to get clean water. The local mining operation has poisoned the water our people have been drinking for thousands of years. We've been flying bottled water in, and it's terribly expensive." Once again, Biden dials a number, yells into the phone for a few minutes, and then hangs up. "The mine has been shut down, and the owner is being billed for setting up a purification plant for your people."
"Now what was that third problem?" The chief looks at him and says, "We have no cellphone reception up here!"
oldognewtrick
In memory of
Floorist
The Almighty
Floorist
The Almighty
As soon as you make something idiot proof, someone builds a better idiot
Floorist
The Almighty
Spoke to my chief of police today. One of our officers stopped and arrested DA Gascon's chief of staff for obstruction and being drunk. Shit is flying down Gascon's throat now.
Did you hear about the cheif he who pulled a gun on a youth group, pulled the leader out of the car and threatened to kill her for leaving a thank you card on his door. I'm pretty sure he will no longer be employed in this state.
I didn't hear this. What city?
I also read some ugly info about the Boise, Idaho Chief of Police, caught fabricating part one crimes in the city to make crime statistics look better than it really is.
I also read some ugly info about the Boise, Idaho Chief of Police, caught fabricating part one crimes in the city to make crime statistics look better than it really is.
Man, not one to F with!
Floorist
The Almighty
oldognewtrick
In memory of
Did you read the part that California would flip out about with the indians.
Floorist
The Almighty
This is old, but funny.
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