Floorist
The Almighty
My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban at the zoo.
Joke time....
- Thread starter Birddogyz
- Start date
oldognewtrick
In memory of
Floorist
The Almighty
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money i make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Floorist
The Almighty
oldognewtrick
In memory of
oldognewtrick
In memory of
oldognewtrick
In memory of
I was thinking;
Since only 11 million people have Obama-Care, how will 24 million people
die if it is repealed? Will an additional 13 million people be randomly
shot?
I was thinking;
If Donald Trump deleted all of his emails, wiped his server with Bleachbit and destroyed all of his phones with a hammer, would the Mainstream Media suddenly lose all interest in the story and declare him innocent.
I was thinking;
If women do the same job for less money, why do companies hire men to do the same job for more money?
I was thinking;
If you rob a bank in a Sanctuary City, is it illegal or is it just an Undocumented Withdrawal?
I was thinking;
Each ISIS attack now is a reaction to Trump policies, but all ISIS attacks during Obama's term were due to Climate Change and a plea for jobs.
I was thinking;
After the London 'Lone Wolf' terrorist attack government officials arrested at least eight other 'Lone Wolves' who had conspired with the
original 'Lone Wolf' in planning the 'Lone Wolf' attack. Why do they tell us even though all involved are Muslims, you can be assured, the 'Lone Wolf' attack has nothing at all to do with Islam, just like the other 1,000 plus 'Lone Wolf' attacks by Muslims, are completely unassociated with Islam.
I was thinking;
We should stop calling them all 'Entitlements'. Welfare, Food Stamps, WIC, ad nausea are not entitlements. They are taxpayer-funded handouts, and shouldn't be called entitlements at all. Social Security and Veterans Benefits are Entitlements because the people receiving them are entitled to them. They were earned and paid for by the recipients.
I was thinking;
If Muslims want to run away from a Muslim country, does that mean they're Islamophobic?
I was thinking;
If Liberals don't believe in biological gender then why did they march for women's rights?
I was thinking;
How did the Russians get Debbie Wasserman Schultz and the DNC to steal the Primary from Bernie Sanders? How did Russia get Donna Brazile to leak debate questions to Hillary Clinton in advance of the debates?
I was thinking;
Why is it that Democrats think Super delegates are fine, but they have a problem with the Electoral College?
I was thinking;
If you don't want the FBI involved in elections, don't nominate someone who's being investigated by the FBI.
I was thinking;
If Hillary's speeches cost $250,000 an hour, how come no one shows up to her free ones?
I was thinking;
The DNC is mad at Russia because they 'think' they are trying to manipulate our election by exposing that the DNC is manipulating our
election.
I was thinking;
If Democrats don't want foreigners involved in our elections, why do they think it's all right for illegals to vote?
Since only 11 million people have Obama-Care, how will 24 million people
die if it is repealed? Will an additional 13 million people be randomly
shot?
I was thinking;
If Donald Trump deleted all of his emails, wiped his server with Bleachbit and destroyed all of his phones with a hammer, would the Mainstream Media suddenly lose all interest in the story and declare him innocent.
I was thinking;
If women do the same job for less money, why do companies hire men to do the same job for more money?
I was thinking;
If you rob a bank in a Sanctuary City, is it illegal or is it just an Undocumented Withdrawal?
I was thinking;
Each ISIS attack now is a reaction to Trump policies, but all ISIS attacks during Obama's term were due to Climate Change and a plea for jobs.
I was thinking;
After the London 'Lone Wolf' terrorist attack government officials arrested at least eight other 'Lone Wolves' who had conspired with the
original 'Lone Wolf' in planning the 'Lone Wolf' attack. Why do they tell us even though all involved are Muslims, you can be assured, the 'Lone Wolf' attack has nothing at all to do with Islam, just like the other 1,000 plus 'Lone Wolf' attacks by Muslims, are completely unassociated with Islam.
I was thinking;
We should stop calling them all 'Entitlements'. Welfare, Food Stamps, WIC, ad nausea are not entitlements. They are taxpayer-funded handouts, and shouldn't be called entitlements at all. Social Security and Veterans Benefits are Entitlements because the people receiving them are entitled to them. They were earned and paid for by the recipients.
I was thinking;
If Muslims want to run away from a Muslim country, does that mean they're Islamophobic?
I was thinking;
If Liberals don't believe in biological gender then why did they march for women's rights?
I was thinking;
How did the Russians get Debbie Wasserman Schultz and the DNC to steal the Primary from Bernie Sanders? How did Russia get Donna Brazile to leak debate questions to Hillary Clinton in advance of the debates?
I was thinking;
Why is it that Democrats think Super delegates are fine, but they have a problem with the Electoral College?
I was thinking;
If you don't want the FBI involved in elections, don't nominate someone who's being investigated by the FBI.
I was thinking;
If Hillary's speeches cost $250,000 an hour, how come no one shows up to her free ones?
I was thinking;
The DNC is mad at Russia because they 'think' they are trying to manipulate our election by exposing that the DNC is manipulating our
election.
I was thinking;
If Democrats don't want foreigners involved in our elections, why do they think it's all right for illegals to vote?
Floorist
The Almighty
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me.
He said I was being ridiculous—everyone hasn't met me yet.
—Rodney Dangerfield
He said I was being ridiculous—everyone hasn't met me yet.
—Rodney Dangerfield
Floorist
The Almighty
oldognewtrick
In memory of
Floorist
The Almighty
LOL, that's about what I can afford.
oldognewtrick
In memory of
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching,
so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand..
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy,
figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job,
and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow
sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her..
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching,
so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand..
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy,
figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job,
and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow
sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her..
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
Floorist
The Almighty
YOU MARRY A MISSOURI GIRL
The first man married a woman from New York. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning.. It took a couple of days, ...but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a woman from Cincinnati. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from Missouri. He ordered her to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything.....but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
The first man married a woman from New York. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning.. It took a couple of days, ...but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a woman from Cincinnati. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from Missouri. He ordered her to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything.....but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
oldognewtrick
In memory of
Floorist
The Almighty
oldognewtrick
In memory of
An attractive, widowed Jewish lady, was sunbathing on an almost deserted beach in Ft. Myers Florida . She watched an attractive man about her age, in great shape walk up, place his blanket on the sand near hers and begin reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him “How are you today?”
“Fine, thank you,” he responded, and turned back to his book.
“I love the beach. Do you come here often?” she asked.
“First time since my wife passed away two years ago,” he replied and turned back to his book
“I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely,”she countered. “Do you live around here?”
“Yes, I live over in Cape Coral ,” he answered, and again resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like pussy cats?”
With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life. When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, “How did you know that was what I wanted?”
The panting man replied. “How did you know my name was Katz?”
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him “How are you today?”
“Fine, thank you,” he responded, and turned back to his book.
“I love the beach. Do you come here often?” she asked.
“First time since my wife passed away two years ago,” he replied and turned back to his book
“I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely,”she countered. “Do you live around here?”
“Yes, I live over in Cape Coral ,” he answered, and again resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like pussy cats?”
With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life. When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, “How did you know that was what I wanted?”
The panting man replied. “How did you know my name was Katz?”
oldognewtrick
In memory of
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