Joke time....

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I can not shop at Costco anymore :)))))Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Necco, the Wonder Dog, which weighs 191 lbs. I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had an elephant? So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your jacket pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to Pee on a Fire Hydrant and a car hit me,
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Costco won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the World to think of crazy things to say.
 
A lady goes to the doctors.
“What is Irish Viagra?" she asked the doctor.
"It's Viagra dissolved in a cup of coffee. He won't even taste it. Let me know how it goes" he said.
She called the doctor the next day.
"How did it go?" he asked.
"Oh faith, begum and begorrah, doctor, it was horrid. Just terrible, I tell ya!! I'm beside meself!"
"Really? What in the world happened?"
"Well, I did as you advised. The Viagra in his coffee took effect right almost immediately. He jumped straight up, with a smile on his face, a twinkle In his eye and his pants a-bulging fiercely. With one swoop of his arm he sent the cups and saucers flying across the room, then he ripped me clothes to tatters and passionately took me then and there on top of the table. Twas a nightmare, I tell ya, an absolute nightmare!"
"Why so terrible" asked the doctor. Wasn't the sex good?"
"BeGosh!! It was the best sex I've had in 25 years, but sure as I'm sittin here, doctor, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again"
 
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