Floorist
The Almighty
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning and you could only save one of them.
Would you go to lunch or read a newspaper?
Would you go to lunch or read a newspaper?
Joke time....
- Thread starter Birddogyz
- Start date
oldognewtrick
In memory of
oldognewtrick
In memory of
oldognewtrick
In memory of
A list of the shortest books EVER!
MY BLACK GIRL FRIENDS
by Tiger Woods
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY
by Jane Fonda
MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS
by Rev. Jesse Jackson
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY
by Bill Clinton
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
by Hillary Clinton
THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
by Bill Gates
THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
by Dennis Rodman
HOW TO LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST
by Dr. Jack Kevorkian
ALL THE MEN WE`VE LOVED BEFORE
by Ellen DeGeneres and Rosie O`Donnell
GUIDE TO DATING
by Mike Tyson
THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLER
by O. J. Simpson
HOW TO DRINK AND DRIVE SAFELY
by Ted Kennedy
MY BOOK ON MORALS
by Bill Clinton
Foreword by Tiger Woods
MY BLACK GIRL FRIENDS
by Tiger Woods
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY
by Jane Fonda
MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS
by Rev. Jesse Jackson
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY
by Bill Clinton
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
by Hillary Clinton
THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
by Bill Gates
THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
by Dennis Rodman
HOW TO LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST
by Dr. Jack Kevorkian
ALL THE MEN WE`VE LOVED BEFORE
by Ellen DeGeneres and Rosie O`Donnell
GUIDE TO DATING
by Mike Tyson
THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLER
by O. J. Simpson
HOW TO DRINK AND DRIVE SAFELY
by Ted Kennedy
MY BOOK ON MORALS
by Bill Clinton
Foreword by Tiger Woods
oldognewtrick
In memory of
Floorist
The Almighty
Your tax dollars.
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity.
To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300° C.
The Russians use a pencil.
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity.
To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300° C.
The Russians use a pencil.
oldognewtrick
In memory of
oldognewtrick
In memory of
I want to sign up for that exercise routine.
oldognewtrick
In memory of
Floorist
The Almighty
Q: What do you call a skeleton in the closet with blonde hair?
A: Last year's hide-and-go-seek winner.
A: Last year's hide-and-go-seek winner.
Floorist
The Almighty
oldognewtrick
In memory of
You know that thing in your mind that tells you when something is a bad idea?
How do I get one of those?
How do I get one of those?
oldognewtrick
In memory of
oldognewtrick
In memory of
oldognewtrick
In memory of
Exercise makes you look better naked.
So does alcohol… your choice.
So does alcohol… your choice.
oldognewtrick
In memory of
As good as this bar is, said the Scotsman, I still prefer the pubs back home.
In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buythe fifth drink.
Well, Angus, said the Englishman, at my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two.
Ahhh, dat's nothin', said Patty Sheehan, the Irishman. Back home in me favorite pub in Galway, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on the house!
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. did this actually happen to you?
Not meself, personally, no, admitted the Irishman but it did happen to me sister and wife quite a few times.
In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buythe fifth drink.
Well, Angus, said the Englishman, at my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two.
Ahhh, dat's nothin', said Patty Sheehan, the Irishman. Back home in me favorite pub in Galway, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on the house!
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. did this actually happen to you?
Not meself, personally, no, admitted the Irishman but it did happen to me sister and wife quite a few times.
oldognewtrick
In memory of
oldognewtrick
In memory of
My doctor asked if any members of my family suffered from insanity?
I replied, no, we all seem to enjoy it.
I replied, no, we all seem to enjoy it.
Some old saying, but as we are growing older, it is a good reminder:
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats. 2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair. 3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always Catch the second person. 4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato. 5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.. 6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. 7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time. 8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. 9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. 10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jello to a tree. 2) Wrinkles don't hurt. 3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts. 4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground. 5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside. 6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD:
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional. 2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get. 3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there. 4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster. 5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions. 6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician. 7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus. 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus. 3) You are Santa Claus. 4) You look like Santa Claus.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats. 2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair. 3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always Catch the second person. 4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato. 5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.. 6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. 7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time. 8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. 9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. 10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jello to a tree. 2) Wrinkles don't hurt. 3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts. 4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground. 5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside. 6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD:
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional. 2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get. 3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there. 4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster. 5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions. 6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician. 7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus. 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus. 3) You are Santa Claus. 4) You look like Santa Claus.
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