Joke time....
- Thread starter Birddogyz
- Start date
oldognewtrick
In memory of
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Have you ever done anything particular of merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered.
"On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.
I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the shit out of all of you!'"
St Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"
"Couple of minutes ago."
"Have you ever done anything particular of merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered.
"On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.
I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the shit out of all of you!'"
St Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"
"Couple of minutes ago."
Three bikers go into a truck stop.
Trucker sitting there eating a donut & drinking coffee.
One biker takes his donut & eats it. Another takes the coffee & dumps it on the floor.
Trucker pays the bill & leaves.
Bikers tell the waitress what a no backbone, chicken isht the guy is.
Waitress says “...he’s also a lousy driver. He just ran over 3 motorcycles!”
Trucker sitting there eating a donut & drinking coffee.
One biker takes his donut & eats it. Another takes the coffee & dumps it on the floor.
Trucker pays the bill & leaves.
Bikers tell the waitress what a no backbone, chicken isht the guy is.
Waitress says “...he’s also a lousy driver. He just ran over 3 motorcycles!”
oldognewtrick
In memory of
Floorist
The Almighty
This picture was taken in my town.
oldognewtrick
In memory of
oldognewtrick
In memory of
oldognewtrick
In memory of
A young farm couple, Homer and Darlene, got married and just couldn't seem to get enough lovin'. In the morning, before Homer left the house for the fields, they made love. When Homer came back from the fields, they made love. And again at bedtime, they made love.
The problem was their nooner; it took Homer a half hour to travel home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn't getting enough work done. Finally Homer asked the town doctor what to do.
"Homer," said the doctor, "just take your rifle out to the field with you and when you're in the mood, fire off a shot into the air. That will be Darlene's signal to come out to you. Then you won't lose any field time."
They tried Doc's advice and it worked well for a while. Homer came back to the doctor's office..
"What's wrong?" asked the Doc. "Didn't my idea work?"
"Oh, it worked real good," said Homer. "Whenever I was in the mood, I fired off a shot like you said and Darlene'd come runnin'. We'd find a secluded place, make love, and then she'd go back home again."
"Good, Homer. So what's the problem?" asked the Doc.
"I ain't seen her since huntin' season started."
The problem was their nooner; it took Homer a half hour to travel home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn't getting enough work done. Finally Homer asked the town doctor what to do.
"Homer," said the doctor, "just take your rifle out to the field with you and when you're in the mood, fire off a shot into the air. That will be Darlene's signal to come out to you. Then you won't lose any field time."
They tried Doc's advice and it worked well for a while. Homer came back to the doctor's office..
"What's wrong?" asked the Doc. "Didn't my idea work?"
"Oh, it worked real good," said Homer. "Whenever I was in the mood, I fired off a shot like you said and Darlene'd come runnin'. We'd find a secluded place, make love, and then she'd go back home again."
"Good, Homer. So what's the problem?" asked the Doc.
"I ain't seen her since huntin' season started."
oldognewtrick
In memory of
My Life is About as Organized as the $5 DVD Bin at WalMart
And the movies are almost as old as you.
oldognewtrick
In memory of
Almost...
Floorist
The Almighty
My truck left me
No one believes me.. what can I say....my Truck .has left me .she ran away......I love her fenders.. her bright head lights we never argued we didn't fight...... now she's gone I'm all alone....she even took ..my new cell phon
Floorist
The Almighty
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'
'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.'
The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.
'No, this is Friday so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.
'Same,' says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?
'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'
'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'
'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man..
The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'
The man sighs... pauses and answers,
'My second wish was for a chick with long legs and who agrees with everything I say.'
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'
'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.'
The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.
'No, this is Friday so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.
'Same,' says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?
'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'
'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'
'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man..
The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'
The man sighs... pauses and answers,
'My second wish was for a chick with long legs and who agrees with everything I say.'
Floorist
The Almighty
oldognewtrick
In memory of
Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.
Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the
'Clitaurus'. It comes in pink and the average male car thief won't be
able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him
where it is and how to do it.
Rumor has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month and
can be a real bitch to start in the morning! Some have reported that
on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to
turn over..
New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and
horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to
have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased
appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age.
Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases,
but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.
This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find
it is best to lease one, and replace it each year.
Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the
'Clitaurus'. It comes in pink and the average male car thief won't be
able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him
where it is and how to do it.
Rumor has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month and
can be a real bitch to start in the morning! Some have reported that
on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to
turn over..
New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and
horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to
have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased
appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age.
Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases,
but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.
This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find
it is best to lease one, and replace it each year.
oldognewtrick
In memory of
Floorist
The Almighty
A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.
She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills and canyon walls.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant. "Nothing," the woman answered "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."
She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills and canyon walls.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant. "Nothing," the woman answered "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."
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